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Recently I inadvertently pressed a link to the Trimdown Club, the site behind all those ‘belly fat and banana’ ads. As it was my first exposure to this kind of advertising, I fell for it and am twenty-five quid poorer. Their ‘money back without a quibble’ guarantee begs a definition of the word ‘quibble’. They just plaster you with ‘freebies’ and extend the length of the ‘guarantee’. Worst of all, all you ever hear from them is more ads. It is such an effective way of marketing, I thought literature could benefit. So here we have Linda Proud’s Thirty-Minute Workout for your Emotions.
Imagine that, fascinated by a cartoon of a kitten crying, you have just pressed a button. What follows is in video form, but there is no slide bar saying how far you have yet to go. It could last forever, saying the same thing over and over, with nothing to watch but the words appearing on the screen sentence by sentence, punctuated with occasional selfies of satisfied customers/devotees laughing or crying, and no mention of kittens. So, thank you for pressing the link. Here we go… Cue vid.
 

Hi. My name is Linda Proud. I used to be a researcher, always looking stuff up for others, until I taught myself how to look stuff up for me. And what I discovered was amazing. My novel will change your life. With just half an hour’s reading a day, your brain will get a full workout and your emotions a deep cleansing. The cleansing of the emotions by drama is nothing new. I went searching in ancient texts and found that the Greek playwrights knew all about it and even had a name for it: catharsis. Yes, big word. Catharsis. With a dose of catharsis every day you can weep, laugh, experience alarm all from the comfort of your armchair. Not many people know that. In fact, I may be the only one, but I am willing to share it with you. If you read this right to the end, I will show you how to experience emotions so powerful that you get a full cardio right from the comfort of your armchair with your body completely still and relaxed. Here is what Fern experienced reading my novel (Vid clip 1). This is what Niagra experienced (Vid clip 2). This is Sean before and after reading my novel. See how bright and washed his face looks? That could be yours! [This opening paragraph is to be repeated four times with the words slightly rearranged, illustrated by more, many more, before and after video clips, all slightly fuzzy]. At the end of the presentation (pronounced pree-sentation):

This novel cost me my life to write. If you work out how many hours I put into it, each copy is easily worth about a thousand dollars. Amazon doesn’t know I’m doing this but, until they find out and start whacking me with their ‘no undercutting’ clause, I’m going to let you have it for MUCH LESS, yes, MUCH LESS. My novel will change your life for just $197.

But it doesn’t stop there. There are bonuses. I’ll accept your friendship on Facebook and Twitter without question and send you countless self-promo emails and video clips. Every day you will receive a link to another presentation about another of my novels, and each time I am mentioned in the press, you will be among the first to hear about it. You will get unequalled access to all my thoughts and doings via my blog, streamed right into your brain with no off button. All this at NO EXTRA CHARGE.

As it is a Monday morning and I’m feeling stupidly generous (that’s catharsis for you) I’m going to go further, much further. That heavily discounted price of $197? It just dropped. For this week only, you can buy my novel for $97.

Oh, I just can’t stop myself. Generosity is a drug. That’s catharsis for you. For today only, you can receive my novel as an ebook for just nine dollars. Yes, you read that right. NINE DOLLARS.

End with big yellow Paypal button.

Do your bit for literature! Buy books! Start to feel again!